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Source Melchizedek.0294
Exiting Sol
Ascension 00h 25m 45.07036s
Declination –77° 15′ 15.2860″
Distance 0.01ly
Equinox J2000.0 SOL
Year 2183, QEC adjusted

[Autotranslator enabled...]
[Personal Log Entry]
Jerome Somerset Pasani, Warrant Master

I know you said not to write, but really, did you honestly believe
that was an option? Look, I know where we left things and as we
both know there's no going back now. I've literally ran away from
us as much as is humanly possible.

I'm sorry. I really am.

I've treated you badly with all this back and forth. Will he, will
they? And you deserve better. You deserve a commitment and someone
who can be there, all the way there. I wanted to be that person.
I tried, in my admittedly shitty way.

None of it was fake. I know you worry about that sometimes. Was
I doing something else behind your back? Is that why... well no.
I wasn't. I'm a rotten enough person already, I don't want you
thinking that.

I love you. I can see your face right now and the eye rolling and
the huff. I know it doesn't matter anymore, Sabrina. I know
nothing I say can take back our time and give us another chance.
There is no chance anymore. I'm strapped to the back of a rocket
shooting to the stars, or close enough. This is a one way trip.

What's the point? You asked me that last time I saw you and
I tried to explain, but I screwed it all up. What's the point of
us you meant, didn't you? What's the point of love between people
if it can't be? What's the point of the time we had together when
there's no tomorrow, only yesterdays. But damnit, there is
a point. I'm not measuring it like some fucking Seriph with
scales. It's not you vs the universe, even thought that's exactly
what it looks like. I'm meant to do something. I feel it in here.
I'm actually hitting my chest right now. You can't see that, but
I think I did it too hard and now it's sore. Great. That's right
where the harness sits too.

Look, if I had known years ago when we first met that I needed to
go off into space to throw my life away on some crazy mission to
bring life to the galaxy would I have shut up and not talked to
you? No. I love you, Sabrina. Just because I don't get to be with
you forever doesn't change that. Just because we only had a few
moments in time doesn't change love. Think of all those loving
couples who lose their lives in trivial, stupid ways. Their love
isn't less because of time. Time has its grips in all of us and
all of our loves are snuffed out by it in the end. And that
doesn't matter one bit.

You're mad and I can't blame you. I won't try to stop that. If
time is good for anything, that love killing beast, it's good for
cooling off anger. One day you'll look back on our time and smile,
like I'm trying to do right now. That's all I have now here.
There's 44 of us on this box and a love-life isn't in the future
cards. My love happened. I got to see it start to finish and
I treasure it. I treasure every single stupid moment, even the
ones where I was too dumb to see how amazing you were at the time.
I will miss the cinemas and the walks and sleeping in on the
weekends. I will certainly miss the long nights. It's all a gold
mine of memories now and you will forever be my love.

I won't send this now. You're angry, too angry. I don't want you
to delete it before you read it. God that would hurt even to think
it. I'll set this aside to send you soon, maybe in a dozen years.
That'll be a blink or two for me in cryo, I think. The math never
works out in my head.

I'm sorry. I love you. Please don't forget me, but live your life.
Be happy. We all want happiness for the people we love. You've had
enough of the other parts, you deserve some happy.

All my love, forever. Jerome.